Hours...

Roughly 8-9 hours from now, my husband and I will be on our way to our first vacation together EVER. I am so excited I can hardly stand myself.

In an instant!

Every day, when I fire up my laptop, the windows live messenger (which I only signed up for because of my college daughter so we can communicate easier while she's away. I LOATHE texting so this works.) pops up and along with that a little box called "Today" does too. It's got stories and headlines to click on and sometimes they are interesting enough to do so.

This morning in the 'Today' box it said, "Look Sexier in an Instant!" Well, who am I to ignore such a promise? So I clicked. Imagine my [air quotes] surprise [end air quotes] when each and every suggestion came with a photo of a celebrity/supermodel! If I just follow these suggestions, I will be soooo sexy, my husband won't be able to keep his hands off me!  Let's analyze and dissect, shall we?

1. Undo A Button-- OK, this one I could get behind IF I wore button-down shirts. Me wearing a button-down shirt makes me look like Marge who works in the factory and stops by a bar on the way home to throw back a few.  Perhaps I can cut slits in all my shirts to bare more cleavage. Will think on that one later. 
2. Wear Red--Red = side of barn. 
3. Sport A Pencil Skirt--Thunder thighs and three-baby belly. Would have to wear a top that came to my knees thus canceling out said skirt. 
4. Show Some Leg--Stark white with occasional spider veins and a side of cottage cheese.  NEXT!
5. Wear Skinny Ankle-Length Jeans--I weigh more than 85 pounds. My THIGHS weigh more than 85 pounds. And I am nearly 40. Just no.
6. Try Sparkles--I am neither a Cullen nor am I a 30-year smoker of a grandma at the bingo hall.
7. Bare Your Shoulders--"...shapely shoulders are just begging to be shown off." One would think that I would have heard my shoulders begging, being that they are right there by my ears and all. Pretty much all my shoulders beg for is to take off that God-forsaken bra. 
8. Add a Dash of Leopard--Nothing says sexy like yards of leopard material draped over the previously mentioned side of a barn. Rawrrrr....
9. Throw on a Leather Jacket-- "...looks sassy paired with leg-baring separates."  Moo and also see #4.

 *Sigh* I suppose I will stick to my usual tried and true method of trying to look sexy. Wiggling my nose, squeezing my eyes closed and nodding my head. If it worked for Samantha and Jeannie, it should work for me, right?