Friday, July 23, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
This morning in the 'Today' box it said, "Look Sexier in an Instant!" Well, who am I to ignore such a promise? So I clicked. Imagine my [air quotes] surprise [end air quotes] when each and every suggestion came with a photo of a celebrity/supermodel! If I just follow these suggestions, I will be soooo sexy, my husband won't be able to keep his hands off me! Let's analyze and dissect, shall we?
- Undo A Button-- OK, this one I could get behind IF I wore button-down shirts. Me wearing a button-down shirt makes me look like Marge who works in the factory and stops by a bar on the way home to throw back a few. Perhaps I can cut slits in all my shirts to bare more cleavage. Will think on that one later.
- Wear Red--Red = side of barn.
- Sport A Pencil Skirt--Thunder thighs and three-baby belly. Would have to wear a top that came to my knees thus canceling out said skirt.
- Show Some Leg--Stark white with occasional spider veins and a side of cottage cheese. NEXT!
- Wear Skinny Ankle-Length Jeans--I weigh more than 85 pounds. My THIGHS weigh more than 85 pounds. And I am nearly 40. Just no.
- Try Sparkles--I am neither a Cullen nor am I a 30-year smoker of a grandma at the bingo hall.
- Bare Your Shoulders--"...shapely shoulders are just begging to be shown off." One would think that I would have heard my shoulders begging, being that they are right there by my ears and all. Pretty much all my shoulders beg for is to take off that God-forsaken bra.
- Add a Dash of Leopard--Nothing says sexy like yards of leopard material draped over the previously mentioned side of a barn. Rawrrrr....
- Throw on a Leather Jacket-- "...looks sassy paired with leg-baring separates." Moo and also see #4.
Posted by Angie at 10:41 AM