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Monday, July 5, 2010

In an instant!

Every day, when I fire up my laptop, the windows live messenger (which I only signed up for because of my college daughter so we can communicate easier while she's away. I LOATHE texting so this works.) pops up and along with that a little box called "Today" does too. It's got stories and headlines to click on and sometimes they are interesting enough to do so.

This morning in the 'Today' box it said, "Look Sexier in an Instant!" Well, who am I to ignore such a promise? So I clicked. Imagine my [air quotes] surprise [end air quotes] when each and every suggestion came with a photo of a celebrity/supermodel! If I just follow these suggestions, I will be soooo sexy, my husband won't be able to keep his hands off me!  Let's analyze and dissect, shall we?

  1. Undo A Button-- OK, this one I could get behind IF I wore button-down shirts. Me wearing a button-down shirt makes me look like Marge who works in the factory and stops by a bar on the way home to throw back a few.  Perhaps I can cut slits in all my shirts to bare more cleavage. Will think on that one later. 
  2. Wear Red--Red = side of barn. 
  3. Sport A Pencil Skirt--Thunder thighs and three-baby belly. Would have to wear a top that came to my knees thus canceling out said skirt. 
  4. Show Some Leg--Stark white with occasional spider veins and a side of cottage cheese.  NEXT!
  5. Wear Skinny Ankle-Length Jeans--I weigh more than 85 pounds. My THIGHS weigh more than 85 pounds. And I am nearly 40. Just no.
  6. Try Sparkles--I am neither a Cullen nor am I a 30-year smoker of a grandma at the bingo hall.
  7. Bare Your Shoulders--"...shapely shoulders are just begging to be shown off." One would think that I would have heard my shoulders begging, being that they are right there by my ears and all. Pretty much all my shoulders beg for is to take off that God-forsaken bra. 
  8. Add a Dash of Leopard--Nothing says sexy like yards of leopard material draped over the previously mentioned side of a barn. Rawrrrr....
  9. Throw on a Leather Jacket-- "...looks sassy paired with leg-baring separates."  Moo and also see #4.
 *Sigh* I suppose I will stick to my usual tried and true method of trying to look sexy. Wiggling my nose, squeezing my eyes closed and nodding my head. If it worked for Samantha and Jeannie, it should work for me, right?

4 comments:

Cristie

You started blogging again!!! I had so many "unwanted guests" on mine, I quit it too. Ive missed it, but Id never have time now that the babys coming. But Im gonna love reading yours again!! I love this post btw, Skinny ankle length jeans....I can sorta pull them off, (when my FEET arent too swollen to pull jeans over them) I have basically no butt (flat as a pancake) or leg fat. The HUGE muffin top ABOVE the skinny jeans? Makes me look like an ice cream cone, a not very tasty ice cream cone....

Jean-Luc Picard

What if a woman decided to do all nine in one go!

DrillerAA09

I believe eight of these nine suggestions violate our current office dress code. Just sayin'.

Tracy S

LMBO! You crack me up..

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